May 23, 2008

The savior of the Democratic Party

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what the Democrats need to do between now and November to bring the party back together. The choice of vice president is clearly key, and I think I've come up with a solution that will work for either candidate who eventually wins the nomination. In a word, me.

I know this sounds like the kind of semi-ironic hubris you've come to expect from me, but hear me out. Let's take a short look at what I have to offer.

1. Facial hair.
As a bearded person, I can never tell a bald-faced lie. It is true that bearded folk (notice how PC I'm being ... not excluding any bearded or hirsute person from this sweeping generalization) are considered to be less trustworthy than the barefaced masses. But this was not always the case. The tyranny of the NWA (Non-Whiskered American) must come to an end. What better way than to make me VP?

2. Boring committee meetings. Let's face it, being VP is a drag. You have to deal with the senate all the time ... meeting after meeting. Folks, I know how to stay awake during boring committee meetings! I have a very vivid imagination and can amuse myself endlessly with a pencil and a few paper clips.

3. Ticket-balancing. We've been hearing a lot lately about how voters in West Virginia and elsewhere don't like Obama because he's black. Well, I'm white. I could also balance a Clinton ticket, being male. I realize that being a white male in American politics isn't exactly a novelty, but I think I feel exactly the right amount of non-debilitating guilt and anxiety about it. I actually have at least two friends in West Virginia, not counting Charlie and Mare of Tandoori Chicken fame ... so Why Not Me?

4. I'm an assister. As an Assistant Something, I could adapt easily to being a Vice Something. Lots of people these candidates are considering have been in charge of stuff--governors and whatnot. I have not, so it will not be a (further) blow to my ego to play second fiddle. Folks, the sign on my desk says, "The Buck Stops Across the Hall." My motto is "I'll have to ask."

5. No current conflict of interest. I'm not on any boards, and I don't have a whole lot of investment income outside of my retirement. I'm not in oil or organized crime. I am a special-interest tabula rasa ... or tabula bruna?

6. Washington outsider. We've got three senators in the running for president right now. I, on the other hand, have only been to Washington once, and that was only for the afternoon. I don't even like cities, so it's likely that even after two terms as VP, I'll still be a Washington outsider.

The problem with cities is that everything you might touch, a LOT of other people have probably touched. And people don't wash their hands. And every time you suck in a couple of lungfuls of air, that's air somebody else just breathed. You might as well be making out with these people. Eww.

7. Modest expectations. The salary for VP is currently a little over 200k per annum. Fine with me!

Hmm, now that I think about it, reason #6 has me thinking ... wouldn't it be a great unifying strategy for our fractured nation if McCain would also make me his running mate? (Number 8 bonus quality: I don't have the crazy eyes). What a great stabilizing influence that would be! No matter what uncertainties our great nation faces as we head toward November, there would be at least one sure thing. Nobody loses! Cornville, here I come!


Michael said...

I wonder if your much-admired philosophy of life (and I paraphrase, "Ask yourself, Are you in my way? If so, get out") might be a bit of a sticking point? Unless you want to be Dick Cheney.

JB said...

Look, I got through the whole thing without a single "shooting my friends in the face" joke ... don't tempt me.