October 01, 2008

God, if you're there, I'd like you to smite somebody.

We live amongst pigs. Pigs!

I work at a facility where smoking is banned both indoors and out. I'm a nonsmoker, and incidentally, the outdoor smoking ban strikes me as overkill, and in fact it makes me want to smoke every time I go outside. That's how I am.

So if you want to ban something, how about banning chewing gum?

It's a disgusting habit and it produces disgusting waste.

Honestly, gumwads (I'm calling all inconsiderate public gum-spitters gumwads) ... is it too much to ask that, when you get done snapping, chomping and drooling over that technicolor, turdlike wad of plastic goo you've jammed your gob with, you find an appropriate receptacle for it and throw it the HELL away?

Or, failing that, how about cramming the slobbery wad into the alternate orifice of your choice? Why not? It's already been in your mouth. And out. And in again. Tell me how every blown bubble ISN'T basically a spiderweb for germs and disease. (Weird ad ... I'm not sure "finance company" and "bubble about to burst" are concepts that I'd want to put together.)

Anyhow, in case you haven't guessed, I stepped in gum a little while ago. In a public dining facility.

I wrote a short play on the subject:

Me: Damn, I stepped in gum.

Other guy: That's disgusting.

Me: Wow, people are pigs. I really hate stepping in people's gum.

Other guy: Me too. Well, have a great day.

Me: A great day? Didn't you hear me? I STEPPED IN GUM.

You see, reader, a "great day" is a very fragile thing, the kind of thing an ignorant ruminant can ruin with impunity.

Go ahead, read that sentence again ... you know you want to.

1 comment:

Tom said...

Yes, if smiting is not in the picture, one can always hope there's a special place in hell for "gumwads," where we can all imagine the specific torments appointed to them.

Rose and I were watching a Buckeye's basketball game on tv one time, and were delighted, amused (and a little bit disgusted) to see Thad Matta (not a gumwad apparently) spit out his gum in the middle of yelling at someone (player or ref, I can't remember) right in the middle of the game. No sooner was it out of his mouth and on the court than he bent down, picked it up, and popped it right back into his mouth. If only the gumwads at your facility had that kind of dedication to their vice.